Waswaas

Asalamu alaykum mufti
I am hanafi

When I was really young- at the age of 9 perhaps, I developed this intense fear of my mother passing away. At that age I was too young to understand that Allah controls and has written when and who will pass away…from the age of 9 till I was about 11 I would make statements like if I don’t walk up and down the stairs 3 times my mummy will die…if I use a certain book to color in my mummy would die…It became a habit and within the 2 years I made statements along these lines…

By the age of 12 I started reading my salaah and wudhu on time…I was obsessed with doing this even though it wasn’t yet compulsory for me.

I would make sure my wudhu and salaah is perfect as I was scared of being separated from my mother when I’m getting punished in Jahanam for missing salaah.

This made me always doubt the number of rakaats I performed in salaah as well as weather or not I had washed my fard parts in my wudhu.

It became compulsory for me to read my salaah at the age of 14…now I became obsessed that my fast was breaking during Ramadaan and this made it tough for me to fast till today but I fast.

I also started panicking that if my wudhu is not accepted and I read my salaah in a gathering I will be a kaafir-I was afraid of kufr and still am.

*One day when I was mature already I said that if I do a certain action I will be a kaafir (Hindu) with the intention of kufr(Hindu) in my mind and heart and being content with becoming a kaafir(Hindu) on not abiding to this statement..

Eventually I started feeling certain that I wasn’t washing my fart parts in my wudhu and my wudhu wasn’t accepted so I would repeat my wudhu about 5 times for each salaah.

Within the next year I became certain I am leaving out sunnah parts of my salaah so I would make sajda sahwa….this certainly progressed and I began to become certain that I am not reading the Fard parts of my salaah.

I reached a point where I was certain I was not washing the fard parts of wudhu when making my wudhu and not reading my fard parts of my salaah when I was making salaah…I would repeat my wudhu and salaah a number of times per salaah and my life was tough…I lived this way and performed salaah this way for a while.

Eventually I started ignoring the certainty that my wudhu and salaah is not performed well and just performed it to the best of my ability.

Once I overcame this waswaas in wudhu and salaah I was attacked again as I began feeling certain that my wudhu was breaking while performing my salaah this made it even more tough and challenging for me to perform my salaah …

The waswaas grew and grew as I then began being certain that my fast was breaking in Ramadaan and fasting became tough for me …

Some years later I started making kufr oaths to encourage me or prevent me from performing certain actions.Up till today which is 8 years later I am still making kufr oaths to encourage me or prevent me from doing certain actions …I also started doubting that I am bowing to random objects in the house…it became a sickness.

Recently
@ – I am certain I uttered 5 oaths of kufr on different days at different times ( knowing that they take me out of islam ,with the intention of committing kufr in my mind and heart) .A while after stating the oaths of kufr that take me out of the fold of islam …(with the intention of comitting kufr in my mind and heart )…., I got this intense fear and worry that I am out of the fold of islam ..never the less…. I broke the 5 oaths of kufr that I made recently , knowing that breaking these 5 oaths of kufr would take me out of the fold of Islam if I broke them.

*Yesterday I no longer fulfilled the statement I made( refer to paragraph marked with a *) as I did the action that I said I will be a kaafir (Hindu) for doing ..with the intention of kufr(Hindu) in my mind and heart and being content with becoming a kaafir(Hindu) on completing the action I said I would not complete …I remembered and knew that completing this action will take me out of Islam.

I am sooooo worried as I am married now but was not married when I made the above statement ( marked with a *) but was married when I made the other 5 kufr oaths ( paragraph marked with @) and broke the 5 kufr oaths referred to in paragraph marked with a @ .I don’t want my marriage to break and I would rather die now then have my Imaan lost.

Is my nikaah broken and have I lost my Imaan due to the above.

Jazak-Allah