Short tempered wife

20 Feb 2019 Ref-No#: 1404

Assalamu alaikum warahmatullahi wabarakatuh
Mufti sahab I have married since 2014 and have a child. After 2 yrs of marriage my father died in an accident just after my child birth. After his death my wife started to show her real face that how much Keena she has for my relatives and started finding faults and taunting my mother and my relatives. Every now and then quarrel took over my life. Every now and then she used to leave for her mumma ‘s home. I left for jamat in the path of Allah for 4 months during which she came from her home and occupied my (father’s G+1 floor building) vacant ground floor completely without even informing my mother who was on the floor above her’s. And started living in it without any relationship with my mother and sister or any relatives. No salam no kalam. When I returned I asked her to meet my mother but she said “what is the use of coming down. Again everything will start”.
My mother has become old. She cannot stand for much time. Every time any guest comes she has to do the hosting and serving. She needs somebody to help her.

1. I know it’s not Compulsory for a woman to serve her mother in law but is it correct to completely abandon the relationship like my wife is doing?

2. In fazail e amal it’s written ‘not to have any contact with 5 kind of people one among them is one who does “qatarahmi” coz I’ve seen “lanat” of Allah 3 times on such people’ .
So based upon that shall I divorce her.

3. I know my cousins who serve my mother very well and can be a source of Sukoon to my mother. Shall i marry one of them keeping my first wife still in relation. Leaving her with her attitude and fulfilling her rights?

Answer

Wa’alaykum as Salam wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuhu,

We take note of the difficulties you experience with your wife. Your tolerance and patience are great acts or virtue and means of gaining closeness to Allah.

If what you stated about your wife is true and reflecting the reality of the situation, then her conduct is against Shariah.

We can only advise in light of what you have  written to us.

From your query, it seems that before your fathers demise, your wife did not display such conduct. It is essential to see what is the underlying reason for your wife’s attitude to suddenly change. Did you already mention to her that you are considering your cousins?  How is your mother and relatives treating your wife? Is their any injustice on your wife? Try to get to the bottom of this and understand why your wife has suddenly become like this.

As for taking another wife, and even divorcing this wife, you need to consider the future of your child. If you divorce your wife or marry another woman, your child will undergo emotional pains, and he/she may lose the comfort of the one affectionate parent. If this wife is really so wicked, the child will be reared only by their mother and be influenced by her conduct which will be detrimental to your child.

Since you have a child, we advise you to first try and work on this marriage. As a starting point, try to discuss with your wife why is she conducting herself in this way. If she raises any concerns, discuss with ‘Ulama how you can assist her in overcoming these problems.

Alhamdulillah, you go in Jamaat. Consider taking your wife in Mastooraat Jamaat, for three days, then a week, and then for forty days. When she is in the company of other pious females, it will definitely have an impact on her.

Also introduce Taleem in your house. Choose a time when the entire family can sit together, and read for even just 10-15 minutes. Insha Allah, this will make a huge change.

Do not command or impose on her to take care of your mother. Rather, slowly work on bringing her closer to Deen, and advise her with diplomacy, at the opportune moment.

Whilst in this marriage, you need to avert your gaze from your cousins, and any other woman for that matter. The grass always appear greener on the other side. Your wife might have some good qualities which your cousins do not have, whilst your cousins may have some faults which your wife is free from. Rather invest your energies in your own marriage, instead of thinking about other women at this stage.

As a last step, try to go for marriage counselling.

If all fails, try to go to the local ‘Ulama. Raise your concerns with them, and give your wife the chance of clarifying to them. Once they hear both sides, they will be in a better position to advise on the future of your marriage.