marriage under false pretenses

04 Apr 2019 Ref-No#: 1520

When i had been divorced for 5 years ( 3 years ago) that man asked me to return because we have 3 daughters. He insisted that he had changed and that he wanted me. People in our community were in agreement although I thought it was a plot. He kept insisting and I eventually agreed. As it stands, I was correct in thinking it was a plot. He lied saying he wanted me when the truth is he doesn’t want me but doesn’t want anyone else to have me. He is emotionally abusive and disrespectful at minimum. I am not given my rights and my household is controlled by our oldest daughter and he has given her control of the finances. Essentially he just wanted a free babysitter. He gained his business while we were divorced as I was working and he didn’t pay any child support. He now says i can go because he can afford a babysitter now. what should i do?

Answer

Wa’alaykum as Salam wa rahamtullahi wa barakatuhu,

Since you mention that your husband does not fulfill your rights, he emotionally abuses you, he is abusive to you, and he merely took you back as a plot, you need to first decide whether you want to remain in this marriage or not.

If you truly want to share the rest of your life with him, then the best is to first discuss the entire issue with your husband. Remind him of his promises and try to find out what are the underlying reasons that he is not fulfilling your rights and disrespecting you. Find out what are his concerns, and if he has stress or other issues, is he possibly just taking out his stress on you? If you are cannot discuss with him verbally, see if it is an option to perhaps write him a letter.
If discussing with him does not work and you still prefer staying in the wedlock, then insist on him that you both should go for marriage counselling. As for your Islamic rights, schedule a meeting with your local ‘Ulama, and they will hear your side and his, and thereafter inform him about his obligations.

If you feel that you cannot manage this anymore and you want to get out of the relationship, then this is the opportune time. Since he has said that you can go, tell him to issue the divorce. If he does not issue the divorce and neither does he fulfil your rights, your local Ulama can issue a Faskh (annulment of the marriage). Move on with your life, and Insha Allah, Allah will open another door for you.

References

 عن عبد الله بن عمر وقال: أنكحني أبي امرأة ذات حسب = فكان يتعاهد كنته فيسألها عن بعلها، فتقول: نعم الرجل من رجل، لم يطأ لنا فراشا ولم يفدش لنا كنفا مذ أتيناه، فلما طال ذالك عليه ذكر للنبي صلى الله عليه وسلم، فقال: القيني به، فليقيته بعد، فقال: كيف تصوم؟ قال: كل يوم. قال: وكيف تختم؟ قال: كل ليلة، قال صم في كل شهر ثلاثة، واقرإ القرآن في كل شهر. قال: قلت: أطيق أكثر من ذلك. قال: صم ثلاثة أيام في الجمعة. قال: قلت: أطيق أكثر من ذالك. قال: أفطر يومين وصم يوما، قال: قلت أطيق أكثر من ذالكقال: صم أفضل الصوم صوم داود: صيام يوم وإفطار يوم، واقرأ في كل سبع ليال مرة، فليتني قبلت رخصة رسول الله صلى الله عليه وسلم، وذاك أني كبرت وضعفت، فكان يقرأ على بعض أهله السبع من القرآن بالنهار والذي يقرؤه يعرضه من النهار ليكون أخف عليه بالليل، وإذا أراد أن يتقوى أفطر أياما وأحصي، وصام مثلهن كراهية أن يترك شيئا، فارق النبي صلى الله عليه وسلم عليه.
قال أبو عبد الله: وقال بعضهم: في ثلاث وفي خمس، وأكثرهم على سبع (أخرجه  البخاري في صحيحه)