marriage

07 Dec 2018 Ref-No#: 1225

As salam alaykom,

Please I need FATWA…

It’s a very delicate and intimate situation. I met one muslim boy at work, married since 5,5 years, with one baby 2 years old… He has not had sex with her for more than 2 years, he does not feel attracted to her at all, she often gives his mother as a negative example, she does not respect him or his parents, she argue very often, she does not pray, she is not satisfied with his efforts, she is not thankful to Allah for everything she has, she talks ugly and raises the tone to him, she sleeps all day, months passed without to clean or make food, she does not support him, she does not help him, she is searching to fight for nothing, she is angry for very small things, she does not make herself beautiful and sexy for him, she does not care about it to be nice to him, always with a very ugly and frowning face at him, she is not loving at all with him… He tried all the possible options, his family tried to talk with her, he also tried to talk to her, but only a very few things changed … I know about all these details from him because we talked a lot on the internet and we came to tell many secrets and personal things, just as friends at the beginning … I pushed him to get closer to Allah, I pushed him to pray constantly, I pushed him to go to salat al jummah every week, I push him to translate Quran for me and to explain islam for me….I do not want to mean she is a bad woman because she does not pray, does not respect him and his parents, does not care about him, does not fulfill his wishes and needs, and the list is very long but maybe she is not the right one for him and he was not at all satisfied with his marriage for a very long time, no longer felt the need to touch her, he could no longer love her, he could not have any dear to her, but he did not rush to think about divorce because of the child he loves enormously and his afraid of harming him by separation from his wife. Due to many shortcomings and lack of things from his wife, he fell in love with me without even realizing it… He is religious person and very good man, but he is human and I think is normal to need to be loved to wish to have intimate intercourse and he was missing these things since long time, he thought he forgot what these feelings mean… After he fell in love with me, he began to think more seriously about the divorce, but he did not want to divorce if only I’m the main reason. He can no longer think of touching her, having a future with her, loving her sincerely, and the only reason he would be married to her is the child. He wants to marry me, but he fears God and is afraid of mistaking / neglect/ abandon/ not to do everything he can for his child because of the divorce. He thinks is better to stay married to her and to sacrifice his life for the sake of the child, with nothing else more with her, as a wife.
I want to know if Islam it connects you to a person all his life, even if you do not love her, even if you can not touch her, you do not want her as a wife/ life partner, you do not understand with her, even if she pushes you to sin( to commit zina) … just for the sake of a child to grow in the same house with both parents at the same time.
I want to know if in islam you are allowed to have two wives but not to love the first one, not to have sex with the first, to keep the first one as a wife only for a child who has remained the only connection between him and her.
For me, it is more logical and normal for him to divorce his wife if she does not bind him anything but a child and seek someone to help him get closer to Allah, to help him get to Jannah, to take care of him, to support him and to give him everything a husband needs to receive from his wife.
I am allowed to marry him as a second wife if I know for certain that I will be very jealous, I will be dissatisfied with the situation, I will seek arguing very often because of this reason, I will have very big problems with my family and… I know I have not yet reached the level of faith to accept polygamy in peace and harmony and to be able to fulfill my role as a good, faithful and obedient wife in this situation?
We stay away from each other and try not to exceed the limit and try to find a solution for us to can be together in the halal marriage, to can build a righteous family, to get closer to God together and bring us closer to janah. I wish one day to can pray near by him, to listening Quran from him but I’m not able to can find one way for us and I need your help and I please you to help us and to don’t judge us because we have come in this situation…

Thank you very much and may Allah swt bless all of you!

Answer

Wa’alaykum as Salam wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuhu,

You need to understand that your relationship and discussions with this man was not permissible. It is no coincidence that he fell in love with you. Although it might seem as if you were directing him to the religion, the devil has various ways of leading mankind astray. At times he makes a person feel as if he is doing good, whereas that action is prohibited in Islam. Until you do get married to him, you need to break off all contact with him.

Before answering your questions, we would give some general advises, which could apply in this situation, or might not apply. But its best that you think over these points.

Generally speaking, when a man seeks to entice another woman, he exaggerates and magnifies the faults of his wife. It could be that the man is mentioning the child as an excuse, and the wife is not as bad as he informed you. You should investigate this further before considering the marriage.

Many times a spouse will act in certain ways based on he/she is treated. If all that he told you is really true, it could be that the wife is reacting in those ways because of how he deals with her. If you are interested in the marrying him, you need to make more research on how he will be as a husband. You need to be sure that after a few years, he will not go and unveil your faults to another strange woman, and fall for her.

In short, we suggest that you analyse this issue abit more, and see if you will manage to spend your whole life with this man. Dont base your decision just on how he interacts with you. Generally a person will always act as a good person infront of someone he intends to win over.

If all that he stated to you is true and he really is not happy in his marriage, then not only will it be permissible for him to come out of that marriage, it will actually be the best thing to do. When there is no compatibility in a marriage, that very same child will suffer. The child, for whose sake he intends to hold onto the marriage, will undergo more harm in the marriage than if he has to divorce her.  Islam does not bind you to a person that you do not love and cannot even bear. If she is as bad as he states, and he is not happy at all and cannot find any solution, then he should divorce his wife. However, the best way of doing this will be as mentioned in the following verses  of the noble Quran:

“As to those women on whose part you see ill-conduct, admonish them (first), (next), refuse to share their beds, (and last) beat them (lightly, if it is useful), but if they return to obedience, seek not against them means (of annoyance). Surely, Allah is Ever Most High, Most Great.”

“If you fear a breach between them twain (the man and his wife), appoint (two) arbitrators, one from his family and the other from her’s; if they both wish for peace, Allah will cause their reconciliation. Indeed Allah is Ever All-Knower, Well-Acquainted with all things.” (Verses 34 and 35 of Surah an-Nisaa)

It is normal for a woman to feel jelous towards a co-wife. If you think it will create the problems that you mentioned, then you have the right of refusing to be his second wife. You may propose to him if he annuls the marriage of his first wife.

We pray that Allah blesses you for a spouse who will be best for you.