Contact with someone I intend marrying

31 May 2018 Ref-No#: 713

salaam,

I am a girl of 19 years and currently in a relationship with a boy. This Ramadan I realized that coming near to zina is not allowed so it means that I am not allowed to talk to this boy. My mother and his mother are informed about us. We told them and they told us that it was fine as long as we don’t do things we will regret. The thing is that I love this boy VERY much and we are both planing to marry inshallah but because we are not financially stable (we study at university) we can not get married. My parents and his parents want us to get a degree first. But for me waiting 5 more years are at least 3 is to long. The reason that I am in a hurry to marry him is cause I can not talk to him til I get married. I did some researcher and it was saying that it is permissible to talk to a boy if a family member is involved but I feel very awkward about this. Not that we are saying inappropriate things but i just don’t feel at eas.

My question is can I talk to him alone in a public place? If the answer is no what can I do to still remain contact with him without involving another person. I was planning to see him only for a few hours ones in a month in a public place but I have no idea if that is clever. I fear that the one day a month becomes 3,4,5… days.At least I am used to talking to him everyday on Facebook on Ramadan and during the exams we don’t talk but i always feel the urge to talk to him what can I do?
I thank you in advance for you’re answer

Answer

Wa’alaykum as Salam wa rahmatullahi wa batakatuhu,

It is not permissible to maintain any unnecessary contact with a non Mahram (a person with who nikaah is permissible) of the opposite gender. There is a great possibility that the casual relationship will eventually lead to haram. It is precisely for this reason that our religion has prohibited free mixing with the opposite gender and made lowering of the gaze compulsory. It is not permissible to even speak to a person of the opposite gender, if there is no valid reason, even though a family member may be there.

Allah says in the Qur’an,

ولا تقربوا الزنا إنه كان فاحشة وساء سبيلا

“Nor come nigh to adultery: for it is a shameful (deed) and an evil, opening the road (to other evils)” (Surah al-Israa V 32).

قل للمؤمنين يغضوا من أبصارهم ويحفظوا فروجهم ذلك أزكى لهم إن الله خبير بما يصنعون

“Say to the believers they should lower their gaze and guard their private parts, that is purer for them. Allah is Aware of the things they do” (Surah al-Noor V 30).

وَقُل لِّلْمُؤْمِنَاتِ يَغْضُضْنَ مِنْ أَبْصَارِهِنَّ وَيَحْفَظْنَ فُرُوجَهُنَّ وَلَا يُبْدِينَ زِينَتَهُنَّ إِلَّا مَا ظَهَرَ مِنْهَا وَلْيَضْرِبْنَ بِخُمُرِهِنَّ عَلَى جُيُوبِهِنَّ …الخ

“And say to the believing women that they should lower their gaze and guard their modesty; that they should not display their beauty and ornaments except what (must ordinarily) appear thereof; that they should draw their veils over their bosoms…” (Surah al-Noor V 31)

In short, Shariah has closed all the doors that may lead one to commit illicit sins. Although you both intend to get married, it is still not permissible to maintain any contact.

In your case, your desire to be in contact with the boy in reference is the consequences of your previous contact. If you did not have the previous contact, you would not have had this desire in you now. The previous contact has created an urge and uneasiness in you to be in contact with the boy now. If this feeling is the consequence of your previous contact, imagine the consequences of being in contact again or having continuous connection with him. As you have stated yourself, from one meeting, it will increase. Then from meeting in public places, it will extend to meeting in private. Etc.

Ponder over this carefully. How can you be sure that you will not do ‘things that you will regret’? What happens if you invest so much time and effort in maintaining this relationship, but when he completes his degree, he changes his mind? How can you be so sure that the same desire will be there in three to five years time?

Defend your Imaan and chastity from the onslaught and whispers of shaitan. Turn to Allah and make Tauba for giving in to the thoughts of infatuations. Cry and beg to Allah to take away such thoughts from you. Avoid all contact with the boy. There will be withdrawals in you. This is similar to the withdrawal of stopping from drugs. All you need is courage. Your mind and heart will get used to the absence of the boy in a few days time and you will be normalized.

As a last resort, if you really want to mantain contact, then atleast perform the Nikah now, and each of you can waive off your respective rights as a spouse. You can inform him that he does not have to financially support you. Thus, your lives may continue as they are currently, but you may talk and even meet each other. Your meeting will then be based on a firm foundation and commitment (Nikah).

References